Friday, October 16, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
I think about wolves, how we see them sometimes as viscous, how we describe someone untrustworthy or unloyal as a wolf, we warn each other of the wolves lurking in the darkness.
I turn off the radio, silence in this desert oasis, then I play a song, fitting for the mood. "Keep the Wolves Away" by Uncle Lucius. I suggest you listen to it, great jam.
The clouds coming over the top of the mountains are a beautiful shade of flirting with being a storm, the low light of the sun mostly blocked out by the mountainous teeth that the earth spits upward into the sky.
Once Hollywood fell, I looked around. Loneliness is an emotion or state of mind, alone is a situational condition. I was alone. Not completely, but, the closest ones were nowhere to be found, at least willingly. Now this is where the battle of the mind starts, what do I make of this new condition? Waking up in my room had me feeling more exiled than the affectionate nickname "The Slavehouse" would suggest. Where is everyone?
Turn the lights on, loop 375 exchange, 65 miles an hour. You can see the lights of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico awakening. Used to be the most dangerous city in the Americas, maybe even the world, memories of watching the city exist from atop the mountains on summer nights is pretty amazing, the $10 "Drink and Drown" specials we used to abuse are a close second. Memories of food, drink, great friends and experiences interlaced with sounds of occasional gunshots somewhere in the darkness. We had to trust each other, that whatever happened, we would stay together, we'd fight if we needed to, run if we had to, but it would never be alone.
Loyalty solidified through crossing a bridge.
My phone has never been so silent. But the majority of those who reached out, surprised me, people I never talk to, or hang out with, someone I had had such a monstrous falling-out with that I almost transfered out of Tech... True, I had a few that are close call, or come by to chill, and I thank them for that. But for the ones that I thought I was even closer to...
Is loyalty a wasted virtue? It seems that I've had wolves around me, waiting for something.
Maybe self-interest, perhaps.
I will ride into battle for my family any second of my existence, I will fight for, pick up, save those who have trusted me to be by their side. I'd hope to be able to count on some around me to be at that point too, however, as my campfire becomes brighter in this desert, I can feel the eyes of wolves all around.
Nothing is ever black and white, but, the mind is a powerful thing, and with the pieces not fitting, I'm becoming more determined to find out who is dressed as a sheep among my "family" I've lost everything before, I'd rather not do it again, but, that's something that life will decided.
And as far as that goes, at least life has been wanting to screw me...
Almost thought that this was gonna be my year, but it's painfully obvious that ship has sailed.
'cos now it's my turn to keep the wolves away..."
Is that a new coat?
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
(Destiny really has taken over)
One can't keep running forever at terminal velocity, eventually, by virtue of wind resistance, kinetic and static friction, and the breakdown of our bodies and vehicles or just the existence of reality...we slow down. As we run away from the darkness, and demons...as we slow down we learn that the condition isn't something we escape from. As we break down, the steps get louder the former excitement enveloped by a deafening silence as the darkness surrounds us as the true reality. The demons and darkness are not truly to be ran from, but to be held at bay, to be fought.
Stage one was seeing the darkness
Stage two was choosing to take a sword up against the demons
Stage three was the horde that you had to escape in order to claim victory
Stage four is watching yourself crash just when you thought you could reach out and touch your horizon
Darkness Zone: Respawning Restricted
Once the exhilaration of seemingly escaping from the event horizon of a former, poisonous, toxic self, has worn off, we must confront the truth. The darkness and demons aren't meant to be ran from and escaped, but to be kept at bay, to challenge us to continuously grow. The light that we have reached out, and hopefully touched, should be something we obviously cling to, but we must also allow it to shine onto everything around us. The light and hope of change is only useful if it's allowed to show, brightly and passionately.
Th light can be something as small as that worn and battered Zippo lighter, striking to create a flame for that last cigarette on a starless and moonless night.That small light, in it's orb of warmth, isn't static of course. It can flicker, wax and wane, it can be in danger of being snuffed out in the snap of a finger. The light it creates can be moved, shaped, pushed and pulled out of it's perfect orb. In these moments the darkness can come closer, the demons reach towards us grasping at our hearts, and throats.
It is in these moments, where we are allowed to shape our destiny. I'm currently reading the book 'Choke' by one of my favorite authors, Chuck Palahnuik. In chapter 15, there is a line, "The way humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." And at the close of chapter 13, "Just let your hand drop, and let fate decide for you." In this moment, everything can explode into a supernova of possibilities if we refuse to drop our hands, if we refuse to suffer. If we actively reach for, and seek a better, stronger, more fulfilled self, we can become legend umong the stars, untouchable by the surrounding darkness.
We must know, not fear, that we will be haunted and surrounded by our demons, by the darkness we have tried to run from. If we can allow ourselves to remain strong and continuously grow, the ghosts and demons will never catch us.
Our lives can be like a 1,000 piece puzzle that has no picture to guide us...but as long as we persevere, one day the picture will be complete.
Become Better Every Day
Monday, September 28, 2015
The Dark Below.
Yes, another Destiny reference, but bear with me here...
A common thread in changing one's life, at least in the instances that I've attempted, or otherwise been around in others, is the sheer joy and exhilaration of overcoming, or leaving behind the poison of the past. Leaving the "darkness" below or behind them.
In every instance, as far as I can remember, this happens when a drastic or otherwise major change occurs in a short instance of time. Wake up one day, gym membership, run through the park, smiles a real smile for the first time in months. Change your number, get a new domicile, adopt a pet, leave someone behind. Kick a habit.
I've always associated things that I need to get away from as dark, poisonous, infectious; things, weaknesses, crutches, faults, that can grow like a cancer if left unchecked. In myself: Self doubt, anxiety, fear of loneliness, allowance of mediocrity, regret...all allowed to swim inside and envelope my mind on a suffocatingly permanent basis, for a very long time.
Waking up that morning, telling myself, "I am worth it, I will not be beaten." and for the first time embracing and believing it, I, in all of my potential greatness was shot out of a canon of incomprehensible power into a cosmos where the darkness could be sucked out of me; left to be below me if I so chose to embrace this vector and trajectory. Keeping on said trajectory, with such speed, has been accomplished by my constant attempt to find things to improve upon, albeit I don't write everyday like I would like to, it has been a step in the right direction for my "recovery".
The easiest has been the physical, I can look myself in the mirror as I struggle against the physical reality of this world, weight in my hands, over my neck, sweat on my face, challenging myself and not allowing myself to accept mediocrity and quitting. I wake up sore every day now, and for the first time in years, that pain is something I welcome, something I've missed, a constant reminder that I'm finally going in the right direction.
Next, the mental. I've always been my own worst enemy, the one person who knew how to press each and every button and control in my mental cockpit. In weakness, this ability was envenomed to the point of being completely self destructive as I personally lead an intoxicated, unknowing conquest to destroy everything around me. I never saw it coming, but I allowed it to happen. I watched my kingdom burn, the bridges leading to it engulfed in my own faults and the pain I caused those around me in my rampage. If anyone wanted to find me, they could followed those burned bridges, because they lead the way to me. In this renewed conquest, however, I've not returned to my former kingdom, but reconciled with myself that I must start from scratch, with myself. I can now be comfortable alone, and confront my thoughts, wrestle or debate them, and find a peace. I have resolved myself to conquering my mind, because as I have mentioned in a former post (which unfortunately was accidentally deleted) , the mind is powerful beyond measure, but can be both destructive and constructive. In this new era, I have made progress to guide my mind to the latter, and I believe the strides are becoming longer with every few steps, my toddle is becoming a walk, one day I'll jog, then sprint...and ultimately run marathons as I progress. One day.
Lastly, the emotional. Honestly, this is the last area currently on my mind. My focus on the physical and mental are two areas where I have placed my understanding as the main objectives early on in this new story of mine. I don't believe it is much possible at all to track an emotional evolution when so much of your former darkness is tied to self image and mental instability. As far as the physical goes, I can stare myself in my eyes, challenge myself, be accountable to myself and not allow myself to fail. In the realm of the mental, I can reach back into memory and witness the change in my handling of situations and events. Although not tangible I am able to provide myself with evidence that little, by little, I am evolving and taking back my mind, my thoughts and myself. But how does one measure emotion? Sure, I can feel passionate about things: friends and family, Texas Tech Football, USC Football, my job, my dogs, my new life. I can feel sadness, anger, frustration, but mostly, I honestly have spent so long setting my default emotion to "Apathetic or pathetically self-loathing" for so long that my affective state is...flat? And for the current time frame, I'm okay with that. The emotional will come.
I remember the first time I ran the 200m dash in track. Like a bullet out of a gun, unrelenting power through the curve, a trajectory set for an improbable victory. A bullet zeroed in on a target on the horizon. But we all know, that bullet slows down, resistance constantly dragging energy away, breaking away to get sucked back in, the darkness was the field of opposition behind me. Like that bullet, I, and we, slow... darkness is a condition, it may not have a speed, but it can catch up. Those thundering steps growing louder behind, as legs grow weary, blood turns to acid, lungs seemingly collapse.
What happens when instead of being under and behind us, the darkness surrounds us?
What happens in the Darkness Zone?
This is a question for a later BED...
Until then, if on a trajectory of change and improvement, ride that mother fucker like there is no tomorrow. Speed towards the new horizon of future possibility without fear or anxiety, but of excitement and with a spirit of conquest, may the demons never catch us.
Become Better Every Day.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
When was the last time you really felt alone? No significant other, no friends, maybe just a lack of contact with anyone around you. crushing isn't it?
That's not being alone, that's being lonely. And in my new adventure, I've decided to tackle my old perceptions of "alone" and "lonley".
Being alone is a state of situation, right now I'm alone in my room, at 3 am at the gym I'll probably be alone in whatever room I'm working out in. When I get home, again, I will be alone.
I used to LOATHE being alone because I had this misconception about the condition.
Or maybe I hated being alone because I hadn't started the war to conquer my mind, which I had allowed to become diseased with self doubt, regret, and fear. I hadn't had that spark of defiance to awaken the warrior withing myself yet. I was still weak, I was still afraid of my potential, mediocre and in the background was easy, it was comfortable.
I have come to embrace my time alone as an opportunity to ask myself questions, dive into the "why" of my former self, and to write. And get my house together...and play video games...and play with Sadie.
Don't get me wrong, however, I have some of the greatest friends and support system, and I love them dearly... I don't mean my embrace of being alone to become self-isolation.
Self-isolation, in the act of self-preservation leads, ultimately, to self destruction.
Being "lonely" is an emotional state. A feeling. One can be surrounded by others, including loved ones, and still be lonely. I find that loneliness is often tied to romantic endeavors first and foremost. Maybe a failed relationship, death of a loved one, rejection by one you want to be involved with. I believe this is where I became lonely, attaching too much importance to being constantly involved with someone.
Having moments of loneliness is part of the human condition, it's normal to experience. The toughest part of it in my mind is to understand that it will pass, if you allow it to, or work to get past it. Loneliness is an emotion, a potentially dangerous one if we cannot control our minds.
Embrace it, for it means you've cared, but understand its fleeting nature.
Embrace being alone, to have time to one's self, but don't allow yourself to disappear
Become Better Every Day
Sunday, September 20, 2015
This has been a huge crutch in my earlier years,I was always impatient. On the football field, I couldn't wait for my lanes to develop...there goes my career as a running back. In Pole Vaulting, I always tried to power through a jump instead of allowing technique to develop... it was a problem until nearly the end of my career.
A lack of patience is what lead me to giving ultimatums in my personal life, I've destroyed MANY bridges along the way.
"May the bridges I burn light the way..."
Getting back into shooting sorts has been a physically empowering adventure in learning to be patient, I refuse to allow myself to continue to be mediocre, because, once again from the first BED, I believe I am destined for greatness; only if, however, I push myself through The Crucible and keep my mind focused on the prize.
Mental patience I believe, is developed by being mindful of our own limitations, and being mindful of our short fuses. I used to be very short fused, I found ways to make it work, my short fuses gave me shortcuts allowing my adventure in mediocrity to continue. Now, I have become determined to open my mind, and be aware of this reality, especially when it comes to others.
Patience in emotion: Now that's just something that we'll have to figure out for ourselves.
I'm working on that one the most, it's difficult, but I believe that it is worth it.
Be patient through The Crucible, you grow more through time spent in the flames; the pain is only temporary as long as we allow it to be so, if we allow the pain to manifest in our minds, we will break.
I will not be defeated, and I will not break.
"Survival is a temporary condition."
It is also a choice.
Again, I will not be defeated.
As soon as I lay my head down to relax, a new assault developed, once again, pushing me towards a critical position. I will remain steadfast however, I am determined to continue on this new adventure, this new quest to find peace, and find whatever it is that will push me to continuously be a better person.
Todays topic: The Crucible,
Chemistry was never my strongest suit in high school, but I loved burning shit, and I loved the idea f the crucible. As explained to us, in that lab, the crucible is basically designed to just fucking survive, it is meant to outlast it's contents, through the flames applied to it.
In the video game, Destiny, the multiplayer modes are called "The Crucible". According to the lore of this video game universe, The Crucible was started as a testing ground, to train and develop warriors through combat, through the fire.
Maybe these last few months have been some kind of strange, sadistic experiment. The flames of this strange fortune or curse, will not destroy me, I will not allow it.
Everyone should take something away from the crucible, everything may fall apart, but do not crack, do not fail, survive. Continue to fight, become something better than your current self.
Become Better Every Day.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
"You are the author...right?" she asks once he stops puffing his ill lit cigarette.
"Author of what?" he sharply answers as the bartender brings him another beverage.
They stare into nothing, both perhaps plotting, constructing or otherwise thinking.
"I'm sorry for coming to you, for this, but do you know who wrote the 'War Journal'?"
"I knew him," he says, " knew him well..."
His voice trails off into the chaos of color that is the watering hole.
"Can you tell me anything about him?" she asks, encouraged ,"anything?"
"He was a troubled man, very troubled," the man trembles as he explains and looks towards the newly dewed drink in front of him."Lots of demons, demons drive men like him..."
His voice again trails into the music as he turns to the young lady prodding him, she finally sees scars on his face, hidden by facial hair and lighting. His gaze freezes her thoughts, as in slow motion, scars over his mouth and near his eyes, ones clearly damaged by some past fight. A twitch in his lips catches her attention.
"You knew him personally didn't you?" she asks in a pleading matter.
"Don't try to search for his story, it will only lead to trouble," he murmurs as he finally takes a drink, "that devil is better left dead and gone."
They sit in silence between each other, the music now faintly a memory.
"He'll be back soon.." the man protests as he leaves the bar top.
"He'll be back in a deafening way, he never conquered his ghosts, he has to come back, to settle things."
He stops while re-lighting that long burnt-out cigarette
"When?" she asks, perplexed, "can I talk to him?"
The man laughs as ashes fall at his feet.
"He's already back," he laughs, "just look harder."
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Last time I allegedly posted anything on this slow, crawling blog.
I can honestly say this has probably been the longest creative block I've experienced, that I can remember, at least. It is obviously usual for me to go months without at least some small scene popping up into my head and my creative process running amok, spattered with spelling and grammatical errors while I try to keep up with the mental stream that carries me through a narrative with the end not yet being known.
August 2014: Redemption.
Redemption started from a dream sequence I'd like to see in a movie, again, a scene which I allow to make itself reveal itself at its own speed, without my guidance. It had some kind of connection to previous writings, loosely at least. I feel that scene was kind of a closure to this loose mental flow.
And just like that, it was over. The imagery was gone, I couldn't conjure up those smokey bars, those pasts intertwined without characters ever meeting, all of the doors, and windows seemed to shut.
I have had moments of "I'm totally gonna write a ___________ about _________, however obviously, nothing has materialized since an envelope was placed onto the ground.
Bear with me, I'm sure I'll come up with something...eventually.
Read a book one day::
"The Ables" by Jeremy Scott
It's rather damn good.
The Trickster, Maui