Rumor and Hearsay

Monday, September 28, 2015

Better Every Day #5

PFFFFFT.....falling behind again.

The Dark Below.

Yes, another Destiny reference, but bear with me here...

A common thread in changing one's life, at least in the instances that I've attempted, or otherwise been around in others, is the sheer joy and exhilaration of overcoming, or leaving behind the poison of the past. Leaving the "darkness" below or behind them.

In every instance, as far as I can remember, this happens when a drastic or otherwise major change occurs in a short instance of time. Wake up one day, gym membership, run through the park, smiles a real smile for the first time in months. Change your number, get a new domicile, adopt a pet, leave someone behind. Kick a habit.

I've always associated things that I need to get away from as dark, poisonous, infectious; things, weaknesses, crutches, faults, that can grow like a cancer if left unchecked. In myself: Self doubt, anxiety, fear of loneliness, allowance of mediocrity, regret...all allowed to swim inside and envelope my mind on a suffocatingly permanent basis, for a very long time.

Waking up that morning, telling myself, "I am worth it, I will not be beaten." and for the first time embracing and believing it, I, in all of my potential greatness was shot out of a canon of incomprehensible power into a cosmos where the darkness could be sucked out of me; left to be below me if I so chose to embrace this vector and trajectory. Keeping on said trajectory, with such speed, has been accomplished by my constant attempt to find things to improve upon, albeit I don't write everyday like I would like to, it has been a step in the right direction for my "recovery".

The easiest has been the physical, I can look myself in the mirror as I struggle against the physical reality of this world, weight in my hands, over my neck, sweat on my face, challenging myself and not allowing myself to accept mediocrity and quitting. I wake up sore every day now, and for the first time in years, that pain is something I welcome, something I've missed, a constant reminder that I'm finally going in the right direction.

Next, the mental. I've always been my own worst enemy, the one person who knew how to press each and every button and control in my mental cockpit. In weakness, this ability was envenomed to the point of being completely self destructive as I personally lead an intoxicated, unknowing conquest to destroy everything around me. I never saw it coming, but I allowed it to happen. I watched my kingdom burn, the bridges leading to it engulfed in my own faults and the pain I caused those around me in my rampage. If anyone wanted to find me, they could followed those burned bridges, because they lead the way to me. In this renewed conquest, however, I've not returned to my former kingdom, but reconciled with myself that I must start from scratch, with myself. I can now be comfortable alone, and confront my thoughts, wrestle or debate them, and find a peace. I have resolved myself to conquering my mind, because as I have mentioned in a former post (which unfortunately was accidentally deleted) , the mind is powerful beyond measure, but can be both destructive and constructive. In this new era, I have made progress to guide my mind to the latter, and I believe the strides are becoming longer with every few steps, my toddle is becoming a walk, one day I'll jog, then sprint...and ultimately run marathons as I progress. One day.

Lastly, the emotional. Honestly, this is the last area currently on my mind. My focus on the physical and mental are two areas where I have placed my understanding as the main objectives early on in this new story of mine. I don't believe it is much possible at all to track an emotional evolution when so much of your former darkness is tied to self image and mental instability. As far as the physical goes, I can stare myself in my eyes, challenge myself, be accountable to myself and not allow myself to fail. In the realm of the mental, I can reach back into memory and witness the change in my handling of situations and events. Although not tangible I am able to provide myself with evidence that little, by little, I am evolving and taking back my mind, my thoughts and myself. But how does one measure emotion? Sure, I can feel passionate about things: friends and family, Texas Tech Football, USC Football, my job, my dogs, my new life. I can feel sadness, anger, frustration, but mostly, I honestly have spent so long setting my default emotion to "Apathetic or pathetically self-loathing" for so long that my affective state is...flat? And for the current time frame, I'm okay with that. The emotional will come.

I remember the first time I ran the 200m dash in track. Like a bullet out of a gun, unrelenting power through the curve, a trajectory set for an improbable victory. A bullet zeroed in on a target on the horizon. But we all know, that bullet slows down, resistance constantly dragging energy away, breaking away to get sucked back in, the darkness was the field of opposition behind me. Like that bullet, I, and we, slow... darkness is a condition, it may not have a speed, but it can catch up. Those thundering steps growing louder behind, as legs grow weary, blood turns to acid, lungs seemingly collapse.

What happens when instead of being under and behind us, the darkness surrounds us?

What happens in the Darkness Zone?

This is a question for a later BED...

Until then, if on a trajectory of change and improvement, ride that mother fucker like there is no tomorrow. Speed towards the new horizon of future possibility without fear or anxiety, but of excitement and with a spirit of conquest, may the demons never catch us.

Become Better Every Day.

H.E. Wallace

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