Into the Air

"It's going to be a bumpy ride out..." Announces the disembodied voice of some god or another. This is my first flight on this particular model aircraft, also many years have passed since the vector taken has been westward out of the desert. The stranger next to me prays, allegedly a Catholic, and proceeds to close the sunshade. Effectively blindfolding us from the sight of our plummet down to a jealous earth that wants its prisoners back.

Slip-stall isn't the right word, but its the first that comes to mind.

I've heard a story of a plane that fell from the heavens at roughly 10,000 feet per minute but only in the final seconds did anyone realize that they were already dead.

Sucker-punched by death is such a shitty and melodramatic way to go, in my mind.

My parental units are stationed across the aisle and ask if I need to turn on the halo above me to see the words that bleed out of my pen, then return to sleep. The Catholic stranger asks if I could grab her blanket from the overhead bin as the voice of the god from earlier commands us to sit the fuck down. I disobey him, like so many other times I've disobeyed some god or another, fetching the security she needs.

Time bombs, we are all time bombs. The couple to my left, my aging parents, albeit neutral currently, could poison the innocents encased in this missile. Time bombs next to each other, me and this stranger.

Tick-tock
Tick-tock

Luckily, I should have been a doctor, or so my long-since ghost of a great grand uncle would say, in agreement with my handwriting. She cannot read of my wiring of a falling plane, or of stupid people who could not feel their failure to survive as souls evacuated bodies at 10,000 feet a minute. Funny to think, as a pilot, does every trip count as a business trip now?

She takes our blindfold off, I playfully wonder how long it would take till we'd get a last shower through the puffy cotton on our descent to that terrestrial prison to which we all return. Violently, in a jealous grab for those trying to air with angels we slam, zero survivers. She scares at turbulence, I get excited.

Arousal is maybe the right word, its the first to come to mind.

Once we calm, she sleeps again for the remainder of our flight. I stare out towards infinity.

Daydreaming through final approach, mirroring the god behind the controls in practice. I turn to the allegedly Catholic stranger to my right, cloaked in her blanket, saying, "Mom, time to wake up..."

Whispers of October

Whispers of October.

"(Insert arbitrary month here) is my fucking month man, lemme tell ya..."

Personally I'm a fan of February or July. But my life, and the events that have filled it have a strange, well, perplexing connection to October.

Let me explain.

October is  normally seen as a transition month, as far as it seems to me at least. We are leaving the long sunny days of summer behind as we transfer towards the shortened, cooler days of fall and winter. But October...it's always October.

Football at the high school level, one of my true endeavors and passions  in life is starting to wind down for the season for most athletes. It was in October I had my seizure that resulted in a totaled car and a year of daily stabilizing medication. The tenth month brought our last homecoming together, me and my sister. The last time I'd ever play football in front of my friends, even from different schools, under the lights of El Paso, October.  The most important romantic relationship I feel that I ever had started in October. Two great personal wars were started in the month on different years. 

It also brings the information wars and powers the rumor mills. Possibly telling the wolves to get ready for a cold winter of hibernation or slow news. The rumor mills are the worst, spewing their black clouds as a fog of war over the landscape. Fucking October, I'm used to it, sometimes I act in ways to power them even more effectively like a hobby. A strange hobby. 

October is strange for me, and this one has proven to continue the trend. At least we've been consistent? May this transition be ever fruitful as The Trickster moves forward, onto a new dawn, which is hopefully void of pumpkin spiced anything, but overflowing with Oktoberfest style beer.

Just a thought...

Signed,

~The Trickster, Maui

House of Wolves

Driving into the desert, sun setting behind the mountains that overlooked my existence for 18 years, I ponder. Global Reach stretches itself out behind the airport, 737s coming and going, incoming Cessna, probably 172, lifts gracefully into the air. I ponder. Something isn't right, so many things that just don't fit.

Intersection.

I think about wolves, how we see them sometimes as viscous, how we describe someone untrustworthy or unloyal as a wolf, we warn each other of the wolves lurking in the darkness.

I turn off the radio, silence in this desert oasis, then I play a song, fitting for the mood. "Keep the Wolves Away" by Uncle Lucius. I suggest you listen to it, great jam.

I ponder.

I drive.

The clouds coming over the top of the mountains are a beautiful shade of flirting with being a storm, the low light of the sun mostly blocked out by the mountainous teeth that the earth spits upward into the sky.

Once Hollywood fell, I looked around. Loneliness is an emotion or state of mind, alone is a situational condition. I was alone. Not completely, but, the closest ones were nowhere to be found, at least willingly. Now this is where the battle of the mind starts, what do I make of this new condition? Waking up in my room had me feeling more exiled than the affectionate nickname "The Slavehouse" would suggest. Where is everyone?

Turn the lights on, loop 375 exchange, 65 miles an hour. You can see the lights of Ciudad Juarez, Mexico awakening. Used to be the most dangerous city in the Americas, maybe even the world, memories of watching the city exist from atop the mountains on summer nights is pretty amazing, the $10 "Drink and Drown" specials we used to abuse are a close second. Memories of food, drink, great friends and experiences interlaced with sounds of occasional gunshots somewhere in the darkness. We had to trust each other, that whatever happened, we would stay together, we'd fight if we needed to, run if we had to, but it would never be alone.

Loyalty solidified through crossing a bridge.

My phone has never been so silent. But the majority of those who reached out, surprised me, people I never talk to, or hang out with, someone I had had such a monstrous falling-out with that I almost transfered out of Tech... True, I had a few that are close call, or come by to chill, and I thank them for that. But for the ones that I thought I was even closer to...

Is loyalty a wasted virtue? It seems that I've had wolves around me, waiting for something.

Maybe self-interest, perhaps.

I will ride into battle for my family any second of my existence, I will fight for, pick up, save those who have trusted me to be by their side. I'd hope to be able to count on some around me to be at that point too, however, as my campfire becomes brighter in this desert, I can feel the eyes of wolves all around.

Nothing is ever black and white, but, the mind is a powerful thing, and with the pieces not fitting, I'm becoming more determined to find out who is dressed as a sheep among my "family" I've lost everything before, I'd rather not do it again, but, that's something that life will decided.

And as far as that goes, at least life has been wanting to screw me...

Almost thought that this was gonna be my year, but it's painfully obvious that ship  has sailed.

'cos now it's my turn to keep the wolves away..."

Is that a new coat?

H.E. Wallace

Better Every Day #6

The Darkness Zone.

(Destiny really has taken over)

One can't keep running forever at terminal velocity, eventually, by virtue of wind resistance, kinetic and static friction, and the breakdown of our bodies and vehicles or just the existence of reality...we slow down. As we run away from the darkness, and demons...as we slow down we learn that the condition isn't something we escape from. As we break down, the steps get louder the former excitement enveloped by a deafening silence as the darkness surrounds us as the true reality. The demons and darkness are not truly to be ran from, but to be held at bay, to be fought.

Respawning restricted.

Stage one was seeing the darkness

Stage two was choosing to take a sword up against the demons

Stage three was the horde that you had to escape in order to claim victory

Stage four is watching yourself crash just when you thought you could reach out and touch your horizon

Darkness Zone: Respawning Restricted

Once the exhilaration of seemingly escaping from the event horizon of a former, poisonous, toxic self, has worn off, we must confront the truth. The darkness and demons aren't meant to be ran from and escaped, but to be kept at bay, to challenge us to continuously grow. The light that we have reached out, and hopefully touched, should be something we obviously cling to, but we must also allow it to shine onto everything around us. The light and hope of change is only useful if it's allowed to show, brightly and passionately.

Th light can be something as small as that worn and battered Zippo lighter, striking to create a flame for that last cigarette on a starless and moonless night.That small light, in it's orb of warmth, isn't static of course. It can flicker, wax and wane, it can be in danger of being snuffed out in the snap of a finger. The light it creates can be moved, shaped, pushed and pulled out of it's perfect orb. In these moments the darkness can come closer, the demons reach towards us grasping at our hearts, and throats.

It is in these moments, where we are allowed to shape our destiny. I'm currently reading the book 'Choke' by one of my favorite authors, Chuck Palahnuik. In chapter 15, there is a line, "The way humiliation is humiliation only when you choose to suffer." And at the close of chapter 13, "Just let your hand drop, and let fate decide for you." In this moment, everything can explode into a supernova of possibilities if we refuse to drop our hands, if we refuse to suffer. If we actively reach for, and seek a better, stronger, more fulfilled self, we can become legend umong the stars, untouchable by the surrounding darkness.

We must know, not fear, that we will be haunted and surrounded by our demons, by the darkness we have tried to run from. If we can allow ourselves to remain strong and continuously grow, the ghosts and demons will never catch us.

Our lives can be like a 1,000 piece puzzle that has no picture to guide us...but as long as we persevere, one day the picture will be complete.

Become Better Every Day

H.E. Wallace

Better Every Day #5

PFFFFFT.....falling behind again.

The Dark Below.

Yes, another Destiny reference, but bear with me here...

A common thread in changing one's life, at least in the instances that I've attempted, or otherwise been around in others, is the sheer joy and exhilaration of overcoming, or leaving behind the poison of the past. Leaving the "darkness" below or behind them.

In every instance, as far as I can remember, this happens when a drastic or otherwise major change occurs in a short instance of time. Wake up one day, gym membership, run through the park, smiles a real smile for the first time in months. Change your number, get a new domicile, adopt a pet, leave someone behind. Kick a habit.

I've always associated things that I need to get away from as dark, poisonous, infectious; things, weaknesses, crutches, faults, that can grow like a cancer if left unchecked. In myself: Self doubt, anxiety, fear of loneliness, allowance of mediocrity, regret...all allowed to swim inside and envelope my mind on a suffocatingly permanent basis, for a very long time.

Waking up that morning, telling myself, "I am worth it, I will not be beaten." and for the first time embracing and believing it, I, in all of my potential greatness was shot out of a canon of incomprehensible power into a cosmos where the darkness could be sucked out of me; left to be below me if I so chose to embrace this vector and trajectory. Keeping on said trajectory, with such speed, has been accomplished by my constant attempt to find things to improve upon, albeit I don't write everyday like I would like to, it has been a step in the right direction for my "recovery".

The easiest has been the physical, I can look myself in the mirror as I struggle against the physical reality of this world, weight in my hands, over my neck, sweat on my face, challenging myself and not allowing myself to accept mediocrity and quitting. I wake up sore every day now, and for the first time in years, that pain is something I welcome, something I've missed, a constant reminder that I'm finally going in the right direction.

Next, the mental. I've always been my own worst enemy, the one person who knew how to press each and every button and control in my mental cockpit. In weakness, this ability was envenomed to the point of being completely self destructive as I personally lead an intoxicated, unknowing conquest to destroy everything around me. I never saw it coming, but I allowed it to happen. I watched my kingdom burn, the bridges leading to it engulfed in my own faults and the pain I caused those around me in my rampage. If anyone wanted to find me, they could followed those burned bridges, because they lead the way to me. In this renewed conquest, however, I've not returned to my former kingdom, but reconciled with myself that I must start from scratch, with myself. I can now be comfortable alone, and confront my thoughts, wrestle or debate them, and find a peace. I have resolved myself to conquering my mind, because as I have mentioned in a former post (which unfortunately was accidentally deleted) , the mind is powerful beyond measure, but can be both destructive and constructive. In this new era, I have made progress to guide my mind to the latter, and I believe the strides are becoming longer with every few steps, my toddle is becoming a walk, one day I'll jog, then sprint...and ultimately run marathons as I progress. One day.

Lastly, the emotional. Honestly, this is the last area currently on my mind. My focus on the physical and mental are two areas where I have placed my understanding as the main objectives early on in this new story of mine. I don't believe it is much possible at all to track an emotional evolution when so much of your former darkness is tied to self image and mental instability. As far as the physical goes, I can stare myself in my eyes, challenge myself, be accountable to myself and not allow myself to fail. In the realm of the mental, I can reach back into memory and witness the change in my handling of situations and events. Although not tangible I am able to provide myself with evidence that little, by little, I am evolving and taking back my mind, my thoughts and myself. But how does one measure emotion? Sure, I can feel passionate about things: friends and family, Texas Tech Football, USC Football, my job, my dogs, my new life. I can feel sadness, anger, frustration, but mostly, I honestly have spent so long setting my default emotion to "Apathetic or pathetically self-loathing" for so long that my affective state is...flat? And for the current time frame, I'm okay with that. The emotional will come.

I remember the first time I ran the 200m dash in track. Like a bullet out of a gun, unrelenting power through the curve, a trajectory set for an improbable victory. A bullet zeroed in on a target on the horizon. But we all know, that bullet slows down, resistance constantly dragging energy away, breaking away to get sucked back in, the darkness was the field of opposition behind me. Like that bullet, I, and we, slow... darkness is a condition, it may not have a speed, but it can catch up. Those thundering steps growing louder behind, as legs grow weary, blood turns to acid, lungs seemingly collapse.

What happens when instead of being under and behind us, the darkness surrounds us?

What happens in the Darkness Zone?

This is a question for a later BED...

Until then, if on a trajectory of change and improvement, ride that mother fucker like there is no tomorrow. Speed towards the new horizon of future possibility without fear or anxiety, but of excitement and with a spirit of conquest, may the demons never catch us.

Become Better Every Day.

H.E. Wallace

Better Every Day #4:

Being Alone.

When was the last time you really felt alone? No significant other, no friends, maybe just a lack of contact with anyone around you. crushing isn't it?

That's not being alone, that's being lonely. And in my new adventure, I've decided to tackle my old perceptions of "alone" and "lonley".

Being alone is a state of situation, right now I'm alone in my room, at 3 am at the gym I'll probably be alone in whatever room I'm working out in. When I get home, again, I will be alone.
I used to LOATHE being alone because I had this misconception about the condition.

I think.

Or maybe I hated being alone because I hadn't started the war to conquer my mind, which I had allowed to become diseased with self doubt, regret, and fear. I hadn't had that spark of defiance to awaken the warrior withing myself yet. I was still weak, I was still afraid of my potential, mediocre and in the background was easy, it was comfortable.

I have come to embrace my time alone as an opportunity to ask myself questions, dive into the "why" of my former self, and to write. And get my house together...and play video games...and play with Sadie.

Don't get me wrong, however, I have some of the greatest friends and support system, and I love them dearly... I don't mean my embrace of being alone to become self-isolation.

Self-isolation, in the act of self-preservation leads, ultimately, to self destruction.

Being "lonely" is an emotional state. A feeling. One can be surrounded by others, including loved ones, and still be lonely. I find that loneliness is often tied to romantic endeavors first and foremost. Maybe a failed relationship, death of a loved one, rejection by one you want to be involved with. I believe this is where I became lonely, attaching too much importance to being constantly involved with someone.

Having moments of loneliness is part of the human condition, it's normal to experience. The toughest part of it in my mind is to understand that it will pass, if you allow it to, or work to get past it. Loneliness is an emotion, a potentially dangerous one if we cannot control our minds.

Embrace it, for it means you've cared, but understand its fleeting nature.

Embrace being alone, to have time to one's self, but don't allow yourself to disappear

Become Better Every Day

H.E. Wallace

Event Horizon

"It's like standing over the event horizon of all your fears, millimeters away from forever imprisoned, and in that moment any instant of doubt forms a dot in your stomach and the normal force of any courage you've ever had is overcome by that event. And that dot collapses through you, tethered only to your heart, and rips everything out of you in an instant. Ripped apart in the event a shell remains as it all falls apart.

Does it sting? 

Do you feel nothing at all? Do I?

 As my courage leaves me in strings, flying towards by new home in my own crushing lack of confidence. I try to scream, but my fear has paralyzed me even to a point of accepting my fate. The tears that form in eyes of a man long since dead, escape in a spectacular explosion as soul evacuated body.

I feel nothing at all.

Does it sting?

Mr Durden asked us who would we fight.

I'd fight myself, I'd fight my emotions that drove me to the edge of the darkness I'm being sucked into. Because, I allowed myself to feel something for you and it's literally tearing me apart in the emotional vacuum of all of my regrets.  Why destroy myself again, because I'm the only one that can redeem any sort of saving light or victory from then that dot of self doubt ripped my heart and guts out into oblivion. I hope you suffer, and I mean it. 

In that moment, I found a voice, while gazing into a star. A thundering voice, my scream shatters the atmosphere of some unknown, planet in the distance. In that moment this event was over the horizon, I reached for that bright lit star, fighting myself that had loosened his grip. 

The big bang, in that moment I created my new universe, I became untouchable.

I touched the light in a way that pushed all my darkness over some distant horizon. 

That light, wasn't you.

Does it sting?"

Eddy glanced over to Abigail and Chelsea as they sat in the neighborhood coffee shop. "So..." he finally says, searching for a response. "Eddy," Chelsea whispers, "thats fuckin' raw, man, like, I don't ,like Really get that sience-y stuff but, raw." Chelsea grabs her coffee cup and brings it to her lips, her curly, brunette hair in a bun, revealing hazel eyes. 

She slowly sips her coffee in a renewed silence.

"How long do you have until you think you'll be ready to perform this one?" Abigail asks excitedly. "like, I know it needs to be longer but I know you can do it, you always bring such cool things out of that fucked little head of yours!" She fidgets in her seat behind trendy, "hipster-esque" glasses. Vibrant Brown eyes excitedly wanting answers from her favorite cousin as her straight, brunnete hair draped her upper body below her shoulders.

Eddy lights a cigarette, inhaling deeply as he simply smirks for a second. 

"I dunno Cuzzo, just depends when I get the inspiration, you know how it goes with my writing sparks..." His voice trails off into some far off land as smoke rises wistfully into the air.

A renewed silence.

"I't will be good one day," he sighs, "but it's not good enough to perform yet, except for you two of course, because y'all will tell me if it's shit."

"You're mind is a dangerous place, Ed," Chelsea re-enters the conversation, " I'ts a dangerously epic fucking place."

"Dangerous." he whispers to no one in particular.

~The Trickster Maui